How bout a couple jokes to lighten the mood....keep it semi-clean...if someone gets offended my anything let me know.
...the 'wheres my toast' refers to the joke below, because I know that will be me in 30 years........
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a goodafter shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale ****tail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
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Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
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A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Wantanything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she >asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top,too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"
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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?" "Yep!" "Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she good looking?" "Not really." "Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook too well." "Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse." "Well, then, is she good in bed?" "I don't know." "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?" "Because she can still drive!"
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Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
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A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" " Twelve thirty "
<><><><><><><> Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"
May the Lord bless and keep you. He's given you a great day!
This is from an old email I had in my inbox....#4 still makes me cry from laughing so hard........
Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners:
>1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended >victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber >James >Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the >barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked..... > >And now, the honorable mentions: > >2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat >cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim >to >his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of >its >men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. >The >chef's claim was approved. > >3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his >car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a >woman >had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. > >4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus >driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be >transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit >his >incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone >waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the >mental >hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and >prone >to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. > >5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious >head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received >the >injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how >close >he >could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. > >6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the >counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, >the >man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the >clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, >leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got >from >the drawer... $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, >is >a crime committed?) > >7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided >that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab >some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over >his >head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be >thief >on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made >of >Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. > >8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man >grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the >woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. >Within >minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car >and >drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and >told >to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, >that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." > >9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into >a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and >demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't >open >the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion >rings, >the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, >frustrated, >walked away. >A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER! > >10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home >parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. >Police >arrived >at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home >near >spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying >to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's >sewage >tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, >saying >that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. > >In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with >your friends and family... unless of course one of these 10 individuals >by >chance is a distant relative or long lost friend
....and a continuation, if I may, to last post. This is something that happened to me......
Every year Williston has a 4th of July celebration downtown, and the day ends with a 6 block area closed off for a street dance. The closed off area also serves as the beer garden.
You have to buy tickets for drinks. Tickets were $4.00 each. (24 oz cans, a selection of foo-foo bottled drinks)
There was a sign at the table, I swear, that read:
There were 2 lines, and the sign was at each ticket sellers post, right next to the cash box.
I handed the lady $40.00, 2 twenty dollar bills. and she asks me 'how many tickets do you want....'
Without skipping a beat, I replied 'I want 20 tickets..'
She promptly counted 20 tickets and handed them to me, I was too shocked to say anything...As we were walking to the beer garden Dolly asks me if that lady had just gave me 20 tickets? Yup.
We bought alot of people drinks that night. Still had two tickets left over....
I stole this from a myspace bulletin...once again, no political statement intended.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......
DR.
PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W.
BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% .........reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.
What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
I am sure everyone has at one time or another heard Bill Engvalls Heres your sign bit. Well I am not immune to it I really dont think anybody is.
About 4 years ago I was back home doing a little hunting. I was in my Jeep in the Jim Creek area when I rounded a corner to find a stacked Ford F150 buried up to the doors in a mud hole. I got out and before I could stop myself I said Truck get stuck? This guy with out missing a beat said Nope, planted it here last spring just came back to harvest it. I didnt say a word, I just strung out the winch and pulled the guy out. Oh I was wearing the stupid sign that day.
I wrote this quite awhile ago for my Myspace blog. But I thought that I would share it..
Ok, so I went to Wal-Mart the other day just to pick up a few things, and I spent like 3 hours there just watching how stupid people can be. Ok so here is how it started, for those of you that know me know that I drive a big truck, not the easiest thing to park in todays parking lots, I know this, so I go to where I know I have room to maneuver. Not the guy in the big SUV. Oh hell no this moron not only tried to turn into a spot the was like 6 inches to small for his ride this jack ass tried to park in the spot where you put the carts. Yep crunch, then he yelled at the attendant, because there should have been a sign, HELOOOO dumby what do you think that big blue thing over the carts is? Laughing session 1 over with (god I love this store). So as I am browsing around the house wears department over by the sheets, there is this lady looking all confused, I over hear the clerk asked her if she needed any help. I kid you not she said she didnt know what size sheets to get, but she knew the bed fit 2 people. Holly satin dilemmas Batman! A single can fit 2 people if theyre kinky enough. Laughing session 2 over. Now I am curious as to what else I can see. Well I have never seen someone take milk out of the fridge then 5 mins later put it back after not moving, then take it back out again, I mean is this a hard decision here, either you need it or you dont, Oh wait the guy that asked an employee what type of screws he need to put one of those dressers together, common it says right on the box all hardwear included. I dont know about you people but I tend to look for these things. I couldnt help but laugh at these people. Oh they guy that was looking for a lighty thingy to hang pictures, I was asked about this. I tried not to laugh in his face, but I said, Do you mean a lazar level? He said he didnt care if theyre level just all in a straight line. I was nice and handed him the most expensive lazar level I could find, that Black and Decker for 99.95 and told him that this is what he was looking for. He went merrily on his way. (I think I should be in sales.) The poor guy is probably still trying to figure out how to use it. Ok I admit that was mean but hey do a little research before you go out to buy stuff like that. Then there are the simple things that WE are all guilty of. Like stopping in the middle of the isle to look at something, but taking like forever while the person behind you waits for you to move. Anyways, if you want some cheep entertainment just go to you local Wal-Mart, Mall, grocery store, whatever and just watch, listen, and I bet you will see some pretty amazing, stupid, and funny things.
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER 1. Sag, you're It. 2. Hide and go pee. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Musical recliners. 7. Simon says something incoherent. 8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE : 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. 3. You change your underwear after a sneeze. OLD IS WHEN: 1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go a long. 3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today. 4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. 5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee! Thoughts for the weekend: Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over? If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Ponderisms I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?' Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.' If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? But Most Of All, Remember! A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
